Hi Father,
How have you been? It's been
2 years since you moved to the Other World. Hope things are ok at your end.
It may have been 2 years already, but I still think of you a lot. I think of the days when I went over for dinners and gatherings, and the short discussions we had on current affairs. I fault myself for not knowing you more while I had the chance. This is a regret I am committed not to repeat with Mum.
Talking about Mum, she's been keeping up with her activities - mahjong, lunches with friends, trips to Chinatown, etc. Recently she revealed that the Vietnamese girls have become quite a handful. The new girl's obsession with cucumber therapy has spread to the other 2. As such, the opening and closing of the fridge door has increased tremendously. Not to mention the extra load that the fridge now has to cool. Mum communicated these concerns to the girls, and the situation has improved, somewhat. Things have also started to break down in the house, eg. the fan in their room and the leaky pipe in the kitchen. "Thank goodness their lease will be up in August", Mum said gratefully.
Linked to this topic of the lease expiry is the issue of Mum being alone again. We have not abandoned the idea of selling our house and temporarily moving in with Mum. But my preference and the long term solution to this is still to find a place near to Mum. I had always wanted to live in a condo, and there is a recent development down the road. While it seems like we may be able to handle the monthly payments, I'm a little worried about over-stretching our expenses. Considering we are still in a recession, I can't be entirely certain about job security. With August coming, we are in a fix. If possible, can you give us an idea or two?
On the baby front, I regret to say that even after
2 IUI sessions, the result is still negative. The little fella is proving to be more elusive than we thought. I had a chat with Wifey the other day. I feel that, if it's not meant for us to be parents, then let's not force the issue and 逆天而行. Wifey is agreeable also.
I have a confession to make to you. Last week, I made your daughter - my wife - cry. As I type this, I still get the guilt pangs inside me. Sigh. I don't know of any man that made his wife cry and still call himself a good man. You see, on that fateful Saturday, we were meeting up with our insurance agent, and I was feeling really uncomfortable about surrendering more premiums to this guy, and in the process further padding his pockets. I just couldn't get what he was explaining through my clouded mind. I got angry with her because I felt that she had already understood the policy terms, and was slighting me with her words and mannerisms. On top of that, there was this issue of applying for a credit card. She was upset with me for insisting that she apply for a particular card that she believed she wouldn't qualify for. I felt that she didn't trust me when I said the bank will approve her application.
For half a day, I didn't talk to her. I was just so mad, and felt so betrayed! This was the biggest fight (can I call it that?) in our 10 years of marriage. It was only on Sunday afternoon that she asked if I was ok. I let out 20% of it. And that was when she cried. In public. It was later in the day, at home, that we sat down and talked about the issue proper. Wifey said, in between sobs, that if she had unintentionally hurt me with her words, she apologised. I told her that her words and action didn't help, after:
1. being tired before, during and after the
trip
2. reading how senseless it is to be paying huge premiums for what we were about to buy
3. remembering how much we will be padding the agent's pockets
4. and finally, despite all of the above, still have to go with the flow due to the inability to think of alternatives
There and then, I wasn't too sure if I was disappointed with Wifey, or with my incompetence. I think she was the spark that started the imminent inferno. It took me about one day to calm down after that. When I came to my senses, I felt really bad about the whole episode. Wifey wouldn't intentionally want to hurt me, I rationalised. My misgivings about myself made me forget all the contributions to my well-being and our relationship that Wifey has made over the years.
And then I remembered my promise to you - to look after Wifey and Mum in your absence. That night, I cried uncontrollably in Wifey's arms and asked for her forgiveness. I had wrongly accused her. I told her I don't know how to face you for breaking my promise, and I meant it. I really, really, really need to have more self-confidence and stop looking down at myself. I don't know how, or from where, but I'll work on it.
I'm sorry Wifey. And I'm sorry, Dad.
We are ok now, Wifey has forgiven me. But it'll take a while more for me to forgive myself.
How about you, Dad? All ok at your end? Hope they are.
Please continue to bless Mum with good health and 4D/TOTO luck.
Please continue to bless Wifey with job satisfaction and the love for life.
As for me, please let me come to my senses, drop my baggage so that I can finally learn to smell the flowers.
Take care, Dad. Miss you.
Yours sincerely,
Your hope-not-beyond-redemption-yet son-in-law
Image credit here.
Post Date: 2 Jun 09
