Dear Father,
12 days after being admitted, you finally succumbed to pneumonia and passed away peacefully on 30th May 2007.
When we brought you to the clinic the night before your admission, I was confident that this was just a minor ailment that will go away quickly with medication. Thus, I was quite taken aback when Mother called Wifey to say you have been hospitalised. Even then, I was sure you will recover.
For the next 12 days, I visited you twice everyday. I'm not the most filial person around, but I just wanted to make sure I was aware of the situation. In fact, I think I was the one who was most updated on your condition. I even made the doctors called me, which they did. Maybe that's why I' taking it so heavily?
For the 1st week, your progress was slow, but they were positive nonetheless. I was glad the small whiteboard we bought proved useful as a communication tool, since the oxygen mask inconvenienced your speech.
Throughout your stay, I didn't allow the 'what-ifs' to slip into my mind. It was something I never wanted to consider. However, we were reminded about the frailty of life when towards the 2nd week, you developed fever. Your vital signs started to deteriorate. The doctors brought more bad news - your lungs' x-ray showed another dark patch. It seemed like you had another pneumonia attack.
Since that Sunday, you were mostly drowsy and sleeping, a direct response from the stronger anti-biotics. We never gave up hope, and quietly wished you didn't too.
Then came the day - Wednesday.
Your vital signs dropped substantially, to below safe levels. A quick word with the doctor revealed they don't have a Plan B. (I subsequently concluded they never saw the need for a Plan B). I could see that Mother and Wifey were very worried, and beginning to get emotional. I also wanted to show my emotions, but held back because I had to be strong for them. Of all the days, I had to choose that day to help my uncle move house. We rushed to the hospital after a second call was made to Wifey.
Wifey saw you for the very last time. I missed by minutes, because I insisted on dropping my uncle and aunt off at a taxi stand. While parking the car, when I saw the incoming call was from Wifey, I went numb.
"Dear, father 过世了..." in a nasal tone, in between sobs. Till today, I don't know how she managed to muster enough strength to say those words to me.
While walking to the building, it was as if someone sucked all the air out of me, and my chest was really tight. Then, I saw you, lying their peacefully, with the relatives all around you.
Memories of the events of the next days, I think, I will carry to my grave, cos I was able to do something for you, and it made me feel useful, it seemingly brought me closer to you. From choosing the package, doing the prayers, booking the void deck, receiving guests, closing the daily account, burning the incense paper next to you, your cremation, the collection of your ash, and the eventual placement of your final resting place in the columbarian. (You are now neighbours with my ancestors!)
Father, Mother is staying with us now. 大哥 is going to New York for one year, and he said he'll settle Mum's proper lodging when he's back. I also want to report that during this period, I ended the 10-year feud between Wifey and sis-in-law. All 4 of us are on talking terms now.
Father, I haven't exactly been a filial son-in-law, but from today, Mother will be my responsibility now. I will also take good care of Wifey.
Father, while my chest is once again tight and I'm taking in deep breaths while typing all these, I wish you well on your next journey. 我们来世在见.
Yours Faithfully,
Your son-in-law
Image from http://www.calgary-buddhist.ab.ca/images/amida.jpg
Post Date: 13 June 2007
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