I never thought of it that way

Ever since I was a kid, I had very little cravings for material things. When the toys I pointed out to yielded the response "That's too expensive; we can't afford", that was the end of it. No wailing, no insisting. That item was officially off my (already very short) list.

Thinking back, I guess I was trying to be a good kid and a good Buddhist.

Recently, when I related this story to someone, she exclaimed "Then you would have no goal to dream of, nothing to work towards ..."

I felt a million watts go through my body. The realisation ... is not too late, I hope.



Post Date: 19 June 2007

Maybe someone to look up to?

The show Britain's Got Talent just ended, and the winner is a Paul Potts.

Paul's an amazing character - regular bloke working as a mobile phone salesman, humble, has a great talent but also with a lack of confidence.

I can so identify with him. Maybe, just maybe, some day, I can be like him?


When Britain first heard of the Welshman, at the qualifiers.



His semi-finals performance, with a short self-intro. Very touching words.


His performance during the finals.


The announcement.



Post Date: 18 June 2007

Divine intervention

It must be the touch of the Lord that, during this business lull period, He arranged for my dad-in-law's passing and my emotional roller-coaster, so that I can have time to grief and to sort my thoughts out.

On another note, I know I'm currently just existing. Learning to moving forward, trying not to move backwards. I know it's wrong, I know it's bad, but ... I can't seem to find the drive nor the direction ...



Post Date: 18 June 2007

Joke of the Day - Real Story

A and B were having lunch at a particular coffeeshop when the drinks stall assistant approached them.

"要喝水吗"?

"给我 Whatever".

A while later, the guy brought a glass of home-made barley. DUHH!



Post Date: 13 June 2007

Back to my old self, somewhat ...

I'm back to being down, sceptical, insecure, worthless, and whatever negativities one can lay their hands on. Will have to add "sorrow" to the list too.

Impending GST increase, NETS sales charge increase, Starhub subscription increase, EDB's lack of transparency over the UNSW fiasco, the Alfian Sa'at incident, Richard Yong giving immigration the slip ... ALL THESE DON'T HELP AT ALL!

My mental state is now FRAGILE. That means, I'm just living day-to-day, and dare not think further than tomorrow. I pray there are no more psychological upheavals, else I might just snap.

As usual, will try to keep myself going.



Post Date: 15 June 2007

One thing I realised is ...

... if you really want to do charity work on a large scale, money is the single most important component.

Really, no money no talk.

I hope this will spur me to rationalise my priorities and re-energise my limp existence.



Post Date: 15 June 2007

Trying to move on

Hi Father,

Mother has stayed with us for about a week now. We have gone and bought some simple furniture for the spare room that Mother is now occupying. Not too sure if you know, but we used to use this room as a store room, so there was a major clearing-out! Thankfully, we managed to find space around the house to "re-locate" the boxes and stuff.

I hope Mother is slowly getting used to staying with us, just as we are slowly getting used to having another person in the house. Mother is also acquainting herself well with the different bus routes.

We all miss you, just that nobody is saying anything. Everytime I go over your place, I look at the chair that you always occupy, memories of us talking about current affairs will come flooding back.

I know time will heal, in that we will eventually come to terms with your absence, but nobody actually said how long it'll take ...

And one final thing: there was a moth that was flying around the prayers area on the morning before we sent you off to Mandai - was that ... you?



Post Date: 15 June 2007

Wishing you eternal peace, Father

Dear Father,

12 days after being admitted, you finally succumbed to pneumonia and passed away peacefully on 30th May 2007.

When we brought you to the clinic the night before your admission, I was confident that this was just a minor ailment that will go away quickly with medication. Thus, I was quite taken aback when Mother called Wifey to say you have been hospitalised. Even then, I was sure you will recover.

For the next 12 days, I visited you twice everyday. I'm not the most filial person around, but I just wanted to make sure I was aware of the situation. In fact, I think I was the one who was most updated on your condition. I even made the doctors called me, which they did. Maybe that's why I' taking it so heavily?

For the 1st week, your progress was slow, but they were positive nonetheless. I was glad the small whiteboard we bought proved useful as a communication tool, since the oxygen mask inconvenienced your speech.

Throughout your stay, I didn't allow the 'what-ifs' to slip into my mind. It was something I never wanted to consider. However, we were reminded about the frailty of life when towards the 2nd week, you developed fever. Your vital signs started to deteriorate. The doctors brought more bad news - your lungs' x-ray showed another dark patch. It seemed like you had another pneumonia attack.

Since that Sunday, you were mostly drowsy and sleeping, a direct response from the stronger anti-biotics. We never gave up hope, and quietly wished you didn't too.

Then came the day - Wednesday.

Your vital signs dropped substantially, to below safe levels. A quick word with the doctor revealed they don't have a Plan B. (I subsequently concluded they never saw the need for a Plan B). I could see that Mother and Wifey were very worried, and beginning to get emotional. I also wanted to show my emotions, but held back because I had to be strong for them. Of all the days, I had to choose that day to help my uncle move house. We rushed to the hospital after a second call was made to Wifey.

Wifey saw you for the very last time. I missed by minutes, because I insisted on dropping my uncle and aunt off at a taxi stand. While parking the car, when I saw the incoming call was from Wifey, I went numb.

"Dear, father 过世了..." in a nasal tone, in between sobs. Till today, I don't know how she managed to muster enough strength to say those words to me.

While walking to the building, it was as if someone sucked all the air out of me, and my chest was really tight. Then, I saw you, lying their peacefully, with the relatives all around you.

Memories of the events of the next days, I think, I will carry to my grave, cos I was able to do something for you, and it made me feel useful, it seemingly brought me closer to you. From choosing the package, doing the prayers, booking the void deck, receiving guests, closing the daily account, burning the incense paper next to you, your cremation, the collection of your ash, and the eventual placement of your final resting place in the columbarian. (You are now neighbours with my ancestors!)

Father, Mother is staying with us now. 大哥 is going to New York for one year, and he said he'll settle Mum's proper lodging when he's back. I also want to report that during this period, I ended the 10-year feud between Wifey and sis-in-law. All 4 of us are on talking terms now.

Father, I haven't exactly been a filial son-in-law, but from today, Mother will be my responsibility now. I will also take good care of Wifey.

Father, while my chest is once again tight and I'm taking in deep breaths while typing all these, I wish you well on your next journey. 我们来世在见.

Yours Faithfully,

Your son-in-law



Image from http://www.calgary-buddhist.ab.ca/images/amida.jpg

Post Date: 13 June 2007